Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Beastly thoughts...

So I've been absolutely shattered these last few days and when I've collapsed through the door, crawled upstairs and peeled of my coat and shoes, I then fall onto my bed and watch the crappiest and simultaneously brilliant TV series or movie I can find because it requires me to do absolutely nothing. And after a thoroughly exhausting and long work day, that's what I needed. I needed to just do nothing.

The other thing that for some reason has been playing heavy on my mind has been my future. As I've been lying in bed desperately trying to get to sleep I've found myself imagining, planning, and then eventually panicking about where I'm going to live, whether I will have enough money, whether I will see my friends, my family, whether I will be happy...

The movie I decided to watch most recently was Beastly. I'm sure you know the movie; a retelling of Beauty and the Beast set in a school in New York where being beautiful seems to get you ahead. As the movie progresses the now 'ugly' Alex Pettyfer is told by his tutor that "its not about how others see you, but how you see yourself."

Now I am all about thinking about the inside rather than the out and that kindness, goodness and justice should be sought wherever one can, especially over thinks like power, beauty and wealth. But something about that summary seemed too simple. It seemed to imply that the thoughts of others didn't matter and that you should be the centre of your own universe. Of course it is important to look after yourself, and yes I'm all for not giving a single damn about what someone thinks of me but only in certain situations.

I used to be far too concerned with pleasing other people and being worried about what they thought of me, When I was little I lied to try and make my bullies like me because I thought it would make me more impressive. When I was in high school I did things that I wasn't entirely comfortable or ready to do because I thought it would make me look cooler. As a young adult I starved myself and make myself ill because I thought if I looked thinner people might like me more. It got to the point where I gave so much that there was very little of me left to give in order to please or appeal to someone else.

My dad has always said I put other peoples needs and wants above my own, and I used to do this to such an extent that it damaged me. I could have turned completely the other way and made it all about me, like I have seen COUNTLESS people do which in someways I think is even more toxic. Deciding that you want to only do things that feel good for you right now is naive and selfish. Sorry to be blunt,but it's true, But instead I taught myself that its about judging the needs within that situation. So if I m tired, but someone needs my help or my time I have to decide am I the one in greater need or is this other person. It isn't always about me, but it isn't always about someone else either. I am not the centre of my universe, of course I am important, but what pushes me is not what I think of myself, or what others think of me. It isn't even what I think of other people. What motivates and pushes me is the relationships I have with people and how I think about them, myself and others on a wider scale.

Sometimes we all need to step back and look at things from a bigger perspective. And rather than looking what I need to do, or what someone else wants me to do, look at what I might do and how that effects both those around me and myself and address that need. Look to your future need, rather than the immediate. This last week I needed to rest and recuperate so that I could perform my best at work and still have enough energy to care for my friends and myself if needed. It isn't about how others see you, but how I treat myself and those around me. Ultimately, the way I fall asleep at night isn't because I know I will 'make it' or be rich or successful, but I fall asleep and dream safe in the knowledge that no matter what happens there are people who will care for me and who I can also care for and if all else fails I know my relationships are solid. That's where I find comfort, and I find those thoughts truly and wholly beautiful. 

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